I have been in love once in my life. It lasted for many years. There are days even now when I think I might still love him but then I realise the ache I feel is just the pain of precious memories growing duller, bitterness and lack of closure.
I can remember the first time I realised I had fallen for him. It was the moment when our eyes met in a gaze different than before. Filled with an intense glittering of light trapped within those beautiful blue orbs, a magnetism of our nerves reaching out to each other, our very eyes were smiling, filled with excitement of new love. I forgot the crowd of people surrounding us and for the first time in my life I felt at least a little grounded.
But this love was of the forbidden kind and so nothing was simple. Our relationship was full of heartache, frustration and stomach lurching ups and downs. But it was also filled with love, passion and pure happiness.
It ended abruptly and we we were torn from each other’s lives without a final goodbye. I never got to tell him all I had on my mind, or tell anyone about him. I was left hollow and numb to the world, unable to be excited by anything or anyone. I feared I would never love anyone again and I thought about him every day; looked for him everywhere I went.
I was spiralling out of control and I had heard that he wasn’t doing too great either.
And then I discovered my real true love; travel.
I spent the best part of a year in the USA, my emotions finally coming back to life after 3 years of numbness; I was excited about life again.
I jumped down waterfalls, climbed mountains, explored cities, road tripped with friends, partied, dated, flew planes, held alligators (and ate them too). I picked many a drunken fight with Trump supporters (then watched him get elected), had my first Thanksgiving, stormed a football field, rode in the bed of pick up truck, survived the killer clowns and did many a crazy thing, experienced pure euphoric freedom and made the most incredible memories with the most amazing people.
And the only time I ever thought of him was when I realised that he hadn’t entered my mind once.
Travel was my saviour, but I have also fallen, fast and hard.